When I was growing up, I wanted to be a boy. You see, in my house being a boy meant that you were more intelligent, stronger, taken more seriously and you did not have to be emotional because boys don’t cry. There were a whole lot of other reasons. I was told at some point how this scientific study showed that women were not able to be good at maths. I believed it, I accepted I was not good at maths, and never tried to be any better.

I also observed how the other woman in the house was made fun of, ridiculed and called crazy, pretty much any time a strong emotion was expressed. I was called a sensitive flower and cry baby because I cried a lot.

Being a woman did not seem like a great thing to me. Women were weaker, both physically and mentally.

I was taller than all the other children and it made me stand out and feel different and it didn’t help me feel like a girl, and later in life, like a woman. In my country ‘you want a woman that is small, like the sardine’ (it’s a saying and clearly doesn’t quite work when translated, bear with me). This meant that women were appreciated when small and petite, something I never was.

As a teenager I grew lanky, skinny and had short hair. I was very often confused for a boy. It made me so so angry! Isn’t that funny, that when I finally looked a bit like a boy I didn’t want to be one?

It was only much later in life, that I was able to see more clearly how much I rejected the feminine and how much I valued the masculine.

I don’t think I knew how to be a woman for many years, and to be honest, sometimes I’m still not quite sure what it means.

As I look at my choices, ways of being and living I can now see that I took on a lot of masculine attributes. The fact that my body did not fit into the traditional sense of feminine and womanly, did not help.

I have lived most of my life pushing. Pushing myself mostly, but also situations and others. I used to make plans and set goals for a lot of things in my life. This meant, me mostly having to grapple with anxiety and depression when all these things I thought I could bring to creation, step by step, on time and on demand, did not happen. This happened again and again.

It took me burning out from a lifetime of ignoring my needs and all the pushing and controlling to finally become aware of how I was using unhealthy attributes from the masculine, as well as unhealthy attributes from the feminine.

When I finally stopped for long enough and started noticing the patterns happening in my past that travelled all the way to the present and how everything was neatly following a thread, that I could see that I had to change the way I lived.

I understood that DOING was no longer serving me if I did not find the time to BE, and allow for things to grow and evolve.

At some point, even though after I realised what I was doing, I was still pushing and driving things, until my body said no more. I had no more energy, it forced me to stop. I was so terrified of stopping and just being, that my body had to deplete me of energy for me to allow myself to fully rest, heal and recover. I have had to surrender to that rest many times since.

This lead me to set an intention of living my life more in the flow, and what I call, to live more in the feminine. A healthy, creative, nourishing, compassionate feminine.

My pushing, doing masculine is still here, but it is understanding that for me to thrive and move forward, that I need to fully explore my feminine. My masculine is waiting for me to fully heal, experience and embody my feminine, for it to come into play. For now, my masculine is just there in the periphery, looking out for my feminine, holding space and allowing her to fully blossom, expand and explore herself.

I know the theory of what I believe is a healthy inner world, but I am yet to fully experience it. In my vision, the feminine and masculine work together allowing each other’s strengths to come to the fore depending on the different situations. They dance together in a perfect choreography of deep connection and understanding of each other.

But for now, I’m all in the feminine. I’m exploring, connecting, being and wishing to help others do the same.

For me, feminine means more than the superficial meaning a big chunk of the world gives it. In fact, the feminine is very deep and is connected to an inherent power that has no need of imposing itself on anything and anyone.

I would love to connect more deeply to that power and guide other women who have had or have similar experiences to mine, to do the same.

We all have access to that power, we all already have it within us. All it needs is unveiling, nothing else.

And this is what I offer. I help, support and guide the Unveiling of the Feminine Power in other women.

If you would like to know more, check my ‘How I help’ page.

Oh, and the art on the post photo is by me. I feel deeply connected to the figurine of the Venus of Willendorf and am called, over and over to paint her. I call her the Goddess, because that is what she is to me.