Time

/ Pelagia Pais /
Time

I seem to be missing time at the moment. Like there isn’t enough of it. Like I keep filling it with things that I’m not sure I am supposed to do. Like I have no purpose with my time. Like my time does not belong to me.

I’m sure this is a very relatable feeling. As I’m hitting the keyboard with these words, an idea starts building in my head that maybe the reason why I feel like my time does not belong to me, is exactly because it doesn’t. Because I am filling that time with things I don’t want to do but force myself to do because I feel I ‘need’ to do them.

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'I am fat'

/ Pelagia Pais - Women's Empowerment Coach/
'I am fat'

There you go, I can finally say (or write) this in a way that brings no strong reaction or emotion within me. I see it as a simple neutral statement that describes my body. My body is fat. I am fat.

This has not always been like this. Not so long ago, I would have cringed, felt deep shame, denied it, or chosen whatever other words I could think of, that felt more soothing to my self-perception.

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'What about me?' The Before - part I

/ Pelagia Pais/
'What about me?' The Before - part I

‘What about me?’ This question popped into my mind several times in my life.

I am giver. I spent a lifetime giving my love, attention, energy, to work and people. I gave, again and again, and there would be times, when I would somehow stop and ask myself: ‘What about me?’

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This is the first part of a two part post. A before and after account of what has changed in me. How I became aware of the many aspects of being me and what it means in practice to become aware, the transformation and the benefits.

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Agony

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Agony

At the beginning of the year I spent a couple of months back in Portugal, where I come from. During that time a lot happened. It was intense and there has been a memory from the past, that keeps wanting to be released and shared here. During this particular time in Portugal, this desire to share that story was intensified, to a point where it felt suffocating not to and there was an intense urgency for doing it. Eventually the urgency disappeared and now I am just waiting for a time that feels right, inside of me.

I wrote something about that memory. I will be sharing it soon. For now, I want to share a poem I wrote about how that agony felt inside of me then and in a much lower intensity, is still felt now.

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.

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I walk in beauty

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I walk in beauty

I was walking back from the seaside, noticing how light and relaxed my body felt when suddenly this line came to my head: ‘I walk in beauty’. It made so much sense and that sentence fitted perfectly with how I felt in that moment.

I felt beautiful because I could sense my body walking following its natural relaxed movement, I felt super soft inside, my legs had a relaxed certainty about them, my arms were dangling in what felt like the perfect movement, I was standing tall without any conscious effort, I had a smile on my face and I felt beautiful.

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He - Masculine | She - Feminine

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He - Masculine | She - Feminine

The first two chapters of this story were inspired by a dream a friend of mine shared with me. The dream had a specific meaning for her. When I heard it I heard something else and all of a sudden this story started to unfold in my head.

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A Message: This is a time...

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A Message: This is a time...

I have been sensing this message for quite some time but only today I felt called to put it down on paper as well as make it public. Hoping it resonates and inspires you to go deeper within yourself as well as have a different experience when listening or sharing stories.

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Journeying within and writing

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Journeying within and writing

I feel that this has been coming together for some time. Back in July, I received a clear message that I must write more, that I must share my ‘voice’.

I started writing more social media posts, exploring expressing myself and what I was experiencing with the written word.

The message to write and share my ‘voice’ continued to show up in many ways in the months after. I carried on writing.

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Sadness

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Sadness

A poem I wrote on Sadness.
I was sitting on the sofa. The word sadness jumped into my awareness. I knew I had to do something with it. I delayed taking any action for a little while, seeking a distraction, yet I knew that the word was still there, patiently waiting for me to grab some pen and paper. Finally I do and this is what comes out…

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My Experience: Vipassana Meditation 10 Silent Retreat

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My Experience: Vipassana Meditation 10 Silent Retreat

At the beginning of November I attended a Vipassana Meditation 10 day Silent Retreat. I have made a video where I share about my experience. Hope you enjoy it!

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Words that changed my life

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Words that changed my life

These are some of the words and phrases that have come up in my life in moments where I needed them the most. Maybe you will find them helpful.

Do you have any words or favourite quotes?

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Body wisdom

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Body wisdom

The other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?...

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I am here to heal the feminine

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I am here to heal the feminine

‘I am here to heal the feminine’

This was a part of what came up for me this weekend when I participated in a workshop with the title: Magdalena: Mother, Teacher, Whore, lead beautifully and vulnerably by Winter Jade Icely @the_sexwitch.

When I uttered these words out loud, surrounded by a group of women, my body felt full of electricity. I felt the truth in these words deep in my whole being.

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I: a poem

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I: a poem

This is a poem I wrote from an intense body sensory experience in Bletchley, February 2018. I will be adding some more of my poetry in the coming days. These pieces have all been written from a place of flow and inspiration, with no planning. I never thought I would be writing poetry, yet, here I am. I hope you enjoy this piece as well as my future ones.

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Forgiving in pieces

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Forgiving in pieces

I used to get very annoyed at all those memes about forgiveness and the idea they seemed to put forward that forgiveness is important in order to move on in your life, that if you continue to hold on to the hurt, you won't be able to move on, and I can see how this is true, yet, what really annoyed me was that I felt that there was a sort promise implied that everything would be ok once you forgave. It would be a happy ever after sort of life. 

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Taking up space

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Taking up space

How many times, as a woman, have you had to physically, and probably energetically, try to shrink yourself to fit? How many times did you dim yourself, so someone could feel better about themselves? 

 

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