Time

I seem to be missing time at the moment. Like there isn’t enough of it. Like I keep filling it with things that I’m not sure I am supposed to do. Like I have no purpose with my time. Like my time does not belong to me.

I’m sure this is a very relatable feeling. As I’m hitting the keyboard with these words, an idea starts building in my head that maybe the reason why I feel like my time does not belong to me, is exactly because it doesn’t. Because I am filling that time with things I don’t want to do but force myself to do because I feel I ‘need’ to do them.

At the moment, due to receiving government benefits, I have to look for a part-time job. Does this align with what I want to do and bring to the world? Yes and no. The thing is, I not only spend time searching, but I spend a lot of time feeling guilty when I’m not searching. But I can also see this search from the perspective of it being a way to support aspects of my life so that I can indeed continue to do the work I love.

The other thing I ‘have’ to spend time everyday at the moment, is walking the dog. I am the sole carer for it for only one more day. But it has meant a few hours a day of dedicated time to driving, walking and resting at the end of each walk. Does it align with what I want to do and bring to the world? Strangely, it kind of does. I have found that the time I spend in nature walking feels very nourishing. It allows for time for reflection but mostly being in connection and communion with nature, observing the changing seasons and allowing to be more connected to these within me.

One of the things I have recently added to my ‘needs to be done’ list is self care. I let it slip. It is not the first time I let it slip and stop doing it. I notice how easily I get overwhelmed, how easily I get into a slump, feel like I am stuck and disconnected with myself. It can easily escalate into anxiety and depression if I do not pay attention.

My tendency still is, to put others needs first, and in this case put the dog first above any of my needs. He needs to be walked, that takes priority over everything. I go on like this for some time and then… I stop and notice that something does not feel right.

I decide to introduce again the Morning Star Practice (now available for purchase on my shop here: www.pelagiapais.com/shop). I decide to bring back again the 4-7-8 breath technique. The immediate result, is that I feel less overwhelmed and somehow that I have more time. Yet, for me to connect with myself, there are a couple of other practices I find really helpful. They are journaling and quiet time. For someone who so chronically is unable to identify my needs, for someone who spent a lot of time so disconnected from herself, these two reflective practices bring about connection to myself and being able to identify my needs and come up with strategies to deliver them to myself.

Does it align with what I want to do and bring to the world? Absolutely! If I do not care for myself and my needs, I am in no state to be present and in service to the world. This is the most important part of my ‘need to do’ list. This should always come first above anything else.

At the moment, I am participating in a writing challenge, an unbound writing challenge lead by Nicola Humber. I love the notion of writing unbound, with freedom, yet still achieving the end result of a book at the end. Writing about time, came from two questions asked there: ‘What am I feeling called to share right now?’ and ‘How am I choosing to honour my writing practice?’. There is always something I feel called to share, yet, recently, I just felt too overwhelmed, my time too busy with so much else, for me to actually sit and allow for these muse calls to actually come into being through my writing.

You see, to write I need time. I need space and time. I need also a bit of flexibility, so that I can swap things around. I don’t tend to write for loads of hours but it will be a burst of an hour or so where I can just fully respond to the calling and put something down.

As I journaled and reflected today about time to write and even with yesterday’s question of what I am feeling called to share right now, the idea for this post came forward. The dog needs his evening walk, but I want to allow myself to put these words here.

These, are the type of actions I would love to start doing more in order for me to find, what Nicola calls Divine Discipline in my writing. The idea that I am creating a discipline that has a bigger reach and impact in the world and myself. When I write, I express myself. When I express myself, I feel free, I feel a sense of purpose and achievement, like I am finding the time through my expression, to explore the many different aspects of myself and therefore making a better sense of who I am. Also knowing, that what I write is having an impact on other people, on the people who read my words. Either by feeling they can relate, making them think of something they had not thought about or even bringing a new perspective.

Reflecting on how I was going to find time to write, has me reflecting on my use of time in general and how I am currently feeling about time. I do not like to say that I do not have time, because ultimately, having time is having choices. I want to make the best choices for me.

Out of my journaling on this subject, I decided to do an experiment and do all my ‘needs to be done’ things in the morning, first thing. Not everything at the same time, but trying to find a balance between the ones I feel aligned and the ones I don’t feel as aligned but still have to do. Hoping that after I have done these, I have cleared my brain of the ‘needs to be done’ tasks and I can enter a more flexible time when I get to experiment into sensing what I want to spend my time doing next.

I love going into that place of where I get to sense what to do next, and I would love to find a balance between these two. I’m going to try this for one week to start with. It feels more manageable and I get to explore what is possible in a practical sense. Hoping that from here, something more regular may develop until something else changes again and I have to adapt to it. Because life is full of changes, because it is precisely in our nature to change.

I’m curious as to where this will lead me and I hope that I get to be more present here again with my words, my thoughts and expression. I also hope I get to write this book that is wanting to come out of me right now.

Now that I have finished putting these words down, it’s time to walk the dog!

Do you feel like you are always running out of time?
Do you ever stop to assess your use of time?
How do you cope with feeling this sense of having no time?

#unboundwritingchallenge